Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: What chord do you get when the elevator in a mine shaft crashes to the ground?
A: A flat minor!
Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock always gets faster.
Q: How can you tell when a bass player is knocking at your door?
A: It gets slower.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him some sheet music.
Q: Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.
Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
A2: "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend??
A: Homeless!
Q: What is music?
A: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer,
incorrectly interpreted by the conductor,
who is ignored by the musicians,
the result of which is ignored by the audience.
Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.
Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.
Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "Well...I didn't wake up this mornin'..."
Q: What is God's favourite chord?
A: G sus.
Q: Why is a jazz critic like a eunuch in a harem?
A: Because he is there every night, he sees people do it every night, but he can't do it himself.
Q: What is the difference between Bebop players and Dixieland players?
A: Bebop players flatten their fifths, Dixieland players drink theirs.
Q: Why do singers never say anything bad about musicians?
A: Because they're too busy talking about themselves.
Q: What is the difference between a singer and a grand piano?
A: About a semitone.
The trombone player had a New Year's gig with his quartet. It was going very well. The band was enjoying it, the audience was digging and the club owner was ecstatic. "Hey, you guys are great!" the club owner exclaimed, "I'd like book you for next New Year's Eve next year. Are you available?" "As a matter of fact we are," answered the trombonist. "Well, consider it booked then!" "Thanks very much," answered the trombonist, "Is it alright if I leave my horn here?"
A tourist in New York city stopped a passing pedestrian carrying a violin case and asked, "How do I get to Carnagie Hall?" "Practice, man, practice."
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician. Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
An then there was the one about the jazz musician and the country musician who made a dope run to Columbia, got caught and were sentenced to be executed by firing squad. The captain asked, "Any last request?" to which the country musician replied, "Yes, I'd like to hear Achy Breaky Heart one more time." The captain turned to the jazz musician who begged, "Shoot me first".
A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So, the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. To his delight, he learns when he gets there that he will be joining the big band. The saxophones are Johnny Hodges, Charlie Parker, Lester Young, Coleman Hawkins and Harry Carney. The trumpets include Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Louis Armstrong and Roy Eldridge. The trombones are equally great. Papa Jo Jones is on drums, Oscar Pettiford on bass and Art Tatum is on piano. But when he gets to the first rehearsal Gil Evans, the arranger-conductor, pulls him aside and says: "Listen, I just have to warn you about one thing. God has this girlfriend who sings..."
Two jazz musicians who haven't seen each other for some time meet late one night in a jazz club. 'Hey man,' says one, 'I hear you recorded a c.d.' 'Yeah, that's right man,' replies the other, 'It was released a few months ago.' 'How much did you sell?' asks the first. 'Oh, just the house and the car.'
A drummer was asked by a journalist if he listened to anything else besides drums. 'Oh yeah', he replied, 'I like listening to Billie Holiday. I think he's great!'
Band leader: We've had a request for 'Come Rain Or Come Shine'. Drummer: So, which one are we going to play?
A piano player is rehearsing the female singer of the band: Pianist: In this tune you will sing seven bars of the first verse and then go immediately to the second ending. You will then sing four bars of the second verse a semitone higher and only half of the first ending before going to the bridge. After six bars of the bridge you will give me a five bar solo then come back in with the first six bars of the last verse followed by half of the coda. You will repeat the coda five times before finally ending on the root a semitone higher. Singer: But that's impossible. Pianist: No it isn't. That's what you do every tune.
A jazz musician goes to audition for a job playing in a broadway musical. Orchestra leader: Can you read music? Jazz musician: Not enough to hurt my playing.
A spiritual medium made contact with Jesus and Charlie Parker to ask if they had a message for mankind. Jesus said, 'Pray.' Bird said, 'Play!'.
A journalist asked Andres Segovia, the great Spanish classical guitarist, what he thought the difference was between a guitar and an electric guitar. He answered: 'There are chairs and there are electric chairs.'
A blind musician asks a deaf musician who can lip read: Are the people dancing? Deaf musician: Why? Have we started playing already?
Just before going on stage a band leader is surprised to see the bass player of the group leaning against the dressing room wall crying. "What's the matter?', he asks. 'The piano player has de-tuned one of my strings.' sobbed the bassist. 'So, what's the problem?' 'He won't tell me which one!'
A barman in a jazz club accidentaly knocks over a stack of empty beer glasses that fall to the ground with a deafening crash. One of the band relaxing at the bar calmly turns to him and says: 'Please man, no free jazz in this club'.
Customer: Can you play something we can dance to? Band leader: Why don't you dance something we can play to.
A jazz musician goes to heaven and is astonished to see how many great players from the jazz hall of fame are there. Bix, Duke, Lester, Bird, Dizzy, 'Trane etc. The new arrival notices that there is someone in the corner playing the trumpet with his head down and his back turned towards the others. Thinking that it reminds him of someone famous , the curious musician asks St. Peter. Musician: Who is that playing the trumpet in the corner? St.Peter: Oh that's God. He thinks he's Miles Davis!
If a musician is a terrible reader it is said that he has studied using the 'Ray Charles Sight Reading Method.'
Tom and Harry, two jazz musicians, make a deal that whoever dies first will return and tell the other what it's like in Heaven. Not long after thesudden demise of Tom, Harry is lying in bed anxiously waiting for a message from the other side. Suddenly an icy wind blows through the room and the ghost of Tom appears standing at the foot of the bed. Harry: Man, you scared the pants of me! Hey, you kept your word! Too much! So, hip me to the state of things up in the big 'H' man. Ghost: I've got some bad news and some good news. Harry: Man, you better give me the good news first. Ghost: The good news is that all the greats from Louis to 'Trane are up there. All playing together in one giant big band. What's more, there is a place in the band reserved for you. Harry: Wow, that's terrific! Hey, so what's the bad news? Ghost: The bad news is that your first rehearsal is tomorrow night.
A big band leader, renowned for his complete lack of musicianship, was struggling as usual with the chart of a new arrangement. While everybody in the rehearsal room waited for the leader to decipher the score, the drummer lost his patience releasing his frustration by hitting the drums and cymbals as hard as possible. Whack! Bang! Wham! Boom! Crash!!! The shocked band leader looked up from the chart glaring angrilly at the band. 'Alright,' he demanded. 'Which one of you did that?'
One night a band leader who was annoyed with a talkative public, took hold of the microphone and spoke to the audience in a sarcastic tone: 'I hope you people back there at the bar can hear the band okay. We can hear you perfectly!'
A famous saxophone player renowned for being an excessive drinker was astonishing the audience by taking extended solos on difficult tunes although he was clearly highly intoxicated. At the end of a particularly long solo on 'Cherokee', taken at a break-neck tempo, an incredulous admirer came to the side of the stage. 'Man, how can you play so good when your drunk?', he asked in amazement. 'I practise drunk,' came the reply.
A lead trumpet player and his neighbour are talking about the value of their respective houses. Trumpeter: I've just had my house valued at $250.000. Neighbour: How is that possible. My house is exactly the same as yours and was recently valued at $100.000. Trumpeter: Yeah, but I don't have a trumpet player living next door.
A jazz musician phoned the office of a newspaper early one morning and asked the secretary if he could speak to the jazz critic. 'I'm sorry,' replied the secretary, 'he can't speak to anyone right now. He's busy writing an article about tonights concert.'
